Often times in the past my prayer request has been that I would keep my eyes on Jesus alone. I think God has answered this request now. I am not sure I knew what I was asking. Was it just a nice and appropriate sounding request?
Suddenly I am faced with a God I don't quite know. I have so many questions and with Steven Curtis Chapman I find myself asking "Who are You God For You are turning out to be So much different than I imagined."
My life before May 7th was filled with His presence, His blessings and joy abounding. Our family was serving the Lord, our cup overflowed..."God is good" was my anthem.
I now realise that I did not really understand what this means. God is good all the time, all the time God is good. How many times have I not said this with great conviction.
God is sovereign is He not? He is unchangeable, He is the same today, tomorrow and forever.
But wait something changed and now I am floundering on saying this with the same conviction that I did before.
I find myself unsure and yes in my head I know these are true but with the Psalmist Asaph I find my heart crying out:
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
6 when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion? Ps 77 (NLT)
A little thought is beginning to form in my mind - was I worshipping the true God or had I moulded Him to be what I wanted? A God who only deals love, yes there trials, but they were manageable. I could fight them with His word and prayer. The key Word being "I" Was it all about me?
Now I am faced with a trial so big - it is irreversible. Julius is never coming back - life is never going to be the same for us girls. This is beyond me. The weight of the cross seems to have fallen fully on my shoulders.
I am now forced to look at Jesus. He carried the cross - for me and for the sins of the world. I weep as I remembered that in His humanness He also asked His Father to take it away from him but very quickly submitted to His Father's will. I am looking at Jesus as He picked it up and fell and picked it up again and fell and up again. He did not waiver, nor falter while it was on His shoulders.
I am slowly seeing a different God - the Almighty who does not exist to supply my needs and make me happy. I am beginning to see the God of Job who spoke to him out of the whirlwind. I am overwhelmed with His Majesty and who He is. And with Job I am very tentatively beginning to whisper:
I had only heard about you before,
but now I have seen you with my own eyes. Job 42:5
Dearest Reader, are you struggling with a turn in your life that you did not expect? An unanswered prayer request that you thought God would answer but has not? It does not seem to make sense why He won't grant you that job, or to bear a child, or restore your marriage or see your loved ones come to Him?
In these times of adversity dig deep into His Word my friend. The school of trials and suffering will result in a greater knowledge of "The Great I Am." I pray for you even as I write these words that you will live in total abandon and see a God you never knew before. The God of the Universe, The King of Kings, Lord of Lords, He does not exist to grant our small desires but one whose plans and purposes are way beyond our finite minds. To Him be the glory forever. He is Good indeed.
Suddenly I am faced with a God I don't quite know. I have so many questions and with Steven Curtis Chapman I find myself asking "Who are You God For You are turning out to be So much different than I imagined."
My life before May 7th was filled with His presence, His blessings and joy abounding. Our family was serving the Lord, our cup overflowed..."God is good" was my anthem.
I now realise that I did not really understand what this means. God is good all the time, all the time God is good. How many times have I not said this with great conviction.
God is sovereign is He not? He is unchangeable, He is the same today, tomorrow and forever.
But wait something changed and now I am floundering on saying this with the same conviction that I did before.
I find myself unsure and yes in my head I know these are true but with the Psalmist Asaph I find my heart crying out:
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
6 when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion? Ps 77 (NLT)
A little thought is beginning to form in my mind - was I worshipping the true God or had I moulded Him to be what I wanted? A God who only deals love, yes there trials, but they were manageable. I could fight them with His word and prayer. The key Word being "I" Was it all about me?
Now I am faced with a trial so big - it is irreversible. Julius is never coming back - life is never going to be the same for us girls. This is beyond me. The weight of the cross seems to have fallen fully on my shoulders.
I am now forced to look at Jesus. He carried the cross - for me and for the sins of the world. I weep as I remembered that in His humanness He also asked His Father to take it away from him but very quickly submitted to His Father's will. I am looking at Jesus as He picked it up and fell and picked it up again and fell and up again. He did not waiver, nor falter while it was on His shoulders.
I am slowly seeing a different God - the Almighty who does not exist to supply my needs and make me happy. I am beginning to see the God of Job who spoke to him out of the whirlwind. I am overwhelmed with His Majesty and who He is. And with Job I am very tentatively beginning to whisper:
I had only heard about you before,
but now I have seen you with my own eyes. Job 42:5
Dearest Reader, are you struggling with a turn in your life that you did not expect? An unanswered prayer request that you thought God would answer but has not? It does not seem to make sense why He won't grant you that job, or to bear a child, or restore your marriage or see your loved ones come to Him?
In these times of adversity dig deep into His Word my friend. The school of trials and suffering will result in a greater knowledge of "The Great I Am." I pray for you even as I write these words that you will live in total abandon and see a God you never knew before. The God of the Universe, The King of Kings, Lord of Lords, He does not exist to grant our small desires but one whose plans and purposes are way beyond our finite minds. To Him be the glory forever. He is Good indeed.
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