A Well Watered Garden

J ulius birthday. Just was not looking forward to it. I am realising that looking forward to the future is not a very good plan. My own view is frightening, but I am also learning that I can expect God to come through in ways I cannot imagine. If only I can rest in Him and trust that He is Sovereign and in absolute control and that He has a plan and that it is good. I go back to Psalm 77 and I am holding on to His promise to me, that just like He led the nation of Israel through the sea, on a pathway that no one knew was there, He is going to lead me through this sea of pain and grief and loneliness. Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters—a pathway no one knew was there!   Psalm 77:19-20 NLT Let me share with you dear reader, how He opened a path for me to face what could have a been a very painful day. When I woke up, I had a great sense of sadness, memories of past years, when the phone rang constantly with family and friends calling, a part

It is 3 months to the day and I can’t help but go back and revisit my loss and still feel the intensity of the pain. Longing for some contact with Julius today, I opened his journal and read his testimony on a trial he was going through last year. His comment at the end was:   “ Now I know that in trials – God refines us in the crucible of fire. Our faith is tested, and he takes us only to the limits for which He sustains us with His grace. He has revealed His love for me (in this trial)” For sure I am in the furnace now and the heat seems to get more intense. Some will say to me “time will heal.” I am not sure this is true. This circumstance can never be reversed – Julius is never coming back home. What is going to fill that void for me?   A dear friend who has walked this road before me said that the loss of your husband is like an amputation. It does heal but it takes a long time and then for some reason or the other the scab falls off and it bleeds again and again.

It is almost 3 months since the day the Lord took Julius home to Himself. Our world has turned upside down and I find myself on a very unfamiliar and often scary road. This is not what I imagined life would be like. I had my own dreams and plans. They always included Julius by my side. And then without any warning and no time to process or prepare, came this sudden, terrible, life shattering change of plans. Over these last 3 months, I have had much time to spend with God and ponder on what happened. Of course my first question was “why?” How could a loving God do this to me? Why was I singled out? God is Sovereign; He could’ve prevented this accident. Why was it so horrific? Here we were a simple immigrant family living a quiet life on a quiet street, and now we are in the eye of a storm that they warn me is going to last for many years to come. Dealing with police officers, lawyers, insurance adjusters....not the kind of people I like hanging out with! My emotions were and stil